and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
