Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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