Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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