your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
