Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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