Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
