I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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