did you get engaged???
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
