Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
