If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize