Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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