I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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