I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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