I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
