i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
