Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i love accidental penises.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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