I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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