I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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