life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
