and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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