Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
