I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I want her autograph on my taint
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
