I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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