My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
