We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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