I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
