Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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