her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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