yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
