Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
