the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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