Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
