My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
