is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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