That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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