Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
