how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
pray to the hookup gods
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
