she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
