the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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