the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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