I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
