She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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