Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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