How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
