ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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