Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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