I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Boobs speak an international language.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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