come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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