note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
