i need an iv and a liver transplant
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
