like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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