Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
