I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
