Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
