grandma shit on top of the toilet
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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